07 September, 2012

Letters: Winchester



Dearest,

Here, breathing in the fragrance of a dying summer, I realise, it takes a love affair to make you feel lonely. The pleasures of Solitude seem a hollow promise I was lied about. Oh the laughable irony of it all! I find myself face to face with Loneliness and I refuse to make eye contact. I fight, with all I have. My books, these words, poems trailing on notebook margins, complaints gurgling up my throat.

“Zindagi mein jab tumhare ghum nahin the
Itne tanha the ki hum bhi hum nahin the.”

There is a queer romanticism in writhing in loneliness. I admire and abhor it with such passion, confusion blurs my emotions into a wobble sometimes. Literature, my sole comfort has also turned its back on me – no one loves a mopey person. As days leaf through me, I oscillate from one alarming notion to another. They get uncomfortable when I talk loopy, for I am not meant to. I am the sane, balanced one. I make the right choices and meet the deadlines. I wake up when my alarm rings and laugh at the right places. I am not supposed to crumble. I am not expected to write that note.

“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.”

The sun was a benevolent orb today. I went alone, and felt liberated in my own company. Winchester is a beautiful little town, and I walked into its famous Cathedral. A sermon was underway and the choir sang, their angelic voices echoing off the ancient walls. An ephemeral calm descended over me and prayers found their way to my lips. I walked past Jane Austen's tomb, her bone-powder and dust seemed more alive to me than many living people I knew. I shadowed the path Keats used to walk centuries ago. He wrote his Ode to Autumn here you know. My blue dress fluttered, a little too gaily for my taste. I walked briskly, as always. It was a rare day: calm and leisurely. 

“When your weight adds to mine
We’re weightless for a while”


I might be sleeping well, but I dream no longer.

4 comments:

  1. Matador Network... You too?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aah glad you reminded me. I'd joined it in one of my more ambitious moods (and never used it since!). My internet footprint needs serious revision.

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