I was watching yet another movie on yet another sleepy afternoon. Ever since I left probably the best job in the world, I have been in a mood that befits my new found superduperlative schedule. And I realized that the secret to happiness is just an idiot box away. With all the English movie channels coming up with subtitles for people who just never catch dialogues (I founded and currently head that elite group) the motion picture has been relegated to the background while the written (rather edited) word reigns supreme. Trust our censor board to provide comic relief in the most unassuming places. Samples:
Dialogue: "I should have made a move on her. Damn I think I just lost my penis."
Subtitle: "I should have made a move on her. Damn I think I just lost my manhood."
Dialogue: "Did you notice her big boobs?"
Subtitle: "Did you notice her big?"
Do they realize that's not even a complete sentence? And that we can actually hear what is being said and so our pure, beautiful minds have already been corrupted? And that in spite of our muddled education system, we have all been exposed (oh dear is that a dirty word too?) to the taxonomy of human body parts, irrespective of their, well, location?
And the best was:
Dialogue: "You damn motherbeeeeep. Beep off."
Subtitle: "You damn motherbeep. Beep off."
But as I lay dozing off, I decided to imagine that the Board has someone with a great sense of humour. I like to think that the Subtitle Guy hates his job, gets the kicks about writing wrong grin-inducing stuff and weaves jokes into the lines. That's so much better than imagining them not knowing enough to think they are fooling (cleansing?) us.